I don’t wanna spend too much time on this, buuuut… some ruminations on last night’s VMA’s:
So, that’s it: Lady GaGa is now an obnoxious one-woman-show performer. Because that’s all that was. I’ve seen many ‘a lady who’ve taken some improv classes and a clown workshop who are compelled to completely over-commit to some obnoxious character and bring it to an open-mic stage - it’s always creepy, self-indulgent and awkward… everyone acts precisely how Britney acted when presented with her Lifetime Achievement award/introducing-Beyonce-award… which, by the way, was a heap of WHAT THE FUCK…
But for real - people are saying that it was GaGa trying to do Andy Kaufman or something - she WISHES… the whole “Joe Calderone” thing she was so wilfully committed to last night reminded me of this hack alter-ego lounge singer character Lily Tomlin has in her treasure chest named “Tommy Velour”…
And I don’t know if I’m remembering this correctly, but it strikes me that there was a pseudo-character that Madonna would do circa-Blonde Ambition where she spoke like some sort of scrappy, rag-tag Newsie-like street urchin… does this ring a bell for anyone? Or maybe I’m just confusing GaGa as Jo Calderone for Madonna in “Papa Don’t Preach” entirely, as they do kind of remind me of each other…
Also of note - CRIPPLED JESSIE J. Holy fuck that was funny… So ‘rising star’ Jessie J was to be the ‘house band’ last night, playing in and out from commercials. Apparently, Ms. J took a tumble suuuper-recently and was be-crutched as a result. I guess the awesome powers that be decided that the best way to deal with this was to MAKE HER SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A STAGE IN A GIANT WHITE CHAIR. Were it me, I would have put her in the middle of a children’s wading pool or SOMETHING that looked deliberate and off-beat and not like she was a cripple and this was a last minute decision. Whatever. Points to Jessie J for going through it without intermittently bursting into tears as she should have. More points to Jessie J for completely stealing any thunder that Chris Brown got by immediately chasing his performance with a cover of TLC’s “No Scrubs”. Very apropos. Partial point suspension for singing it hella off-key, though.
Justin Beiber continued his reign as the Shakespeare of acceptance speeches last night when he won “Best Male Video” (I don’t know about the “Male” in that accolade… or the “Best”… or even the “Video”) when he blessed us with this soundbyte: “I just wanna give thanks not just to God but also to Jesus”. Non-Canadians of the world: Justin Beiber is an oddly religious anomaly in terms of Canadians. He is not explainable by Canada. It’s perplexing. Also - I have the same pants that Justin Beiber wore last night. As does Pitbull, apparently.
Remember that all-star salute to the magical and wondrous career of Britney Spears? The one that was to see the likes of Katy Perry, Lady GaGa, Ke$ha, Nicki Minaj, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, JANET JACKSON and Britney herself perform a medley of her hits culminating in an award presentation by MADONNA? Guess exactly how much of that happened: NOTHING AND NONE OF IT. Someone on the inside of the production suffered from a case of Surprise-Party Sue, and probably ought to make sure there’s a cat in there the next time they open the bag… #DISAPPOINTING!
What DID happen, was GaGa as ‘Jo Calderone’ saying that he jacked off to posters of Britney before presenting her with the Video Vanguard award that he/she easily hijacked into being about him/her and ultimately got denied of Britney’s earthy pleasures. Watching GaGa trying to make out with Britney and Britney very uncomfortably trying to laugh it off was one of the most gut-wrenchingly awkward things I’ve seen in a while. Somewhere, Christina Aguilera is very pleased.
Making this more awkward is that this whole award presentation was a barely glorified introduction of Beyonce, who, don’t know if you’ve heard, IS PREGNANT. B.G. Knowles performed the balls off of my present JAM, “Love On Top” and ended the performance by loosening her sequined tux jacket to rub her baby bump. I’d expect a lot more of Beyonce referencing her baby bump if I were us… and, I am.
The Amy Winehouse tribute was in keeping with the rest of the night’s theme of disastrous. Russell Brand essentially eulogized her saying “I remember meeting Amy, and thought she was crazy and a crack whore. But she could sing!” or something to that effect. Then Tony Bennett came out and showed some footage of them in a recording studio a few months ago (a musical version of those poolside home videos of a very ‘relaxed’ Anna Nicole prior to her death). Then Bruno Mars ‘knocked it out of the park’ by covering a song that Amy herself covered by The Zutons. Again - would it have been SO much trouble to get Adele to cover ‘Rehab’?
The whole evening screeched to a halt when Katy Perry won video of the year for Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful”. I get that Katy Perry should have sort of been rewarded at large for her body of work and productivity over the past year, but mayhaps for “E.T.” or “Last Friday Night” if only for her makeover outfit.
Whatever. You win some you lose some. Til next year…
—- Aj
![Grammy’s were last night, duh.
In an unfashionably late embrace of mobile technology, I live-tweeted them from m’couch. To expand/ruminate on some points from last night:
- I thought the opening Aretha tribute was a mess and a stark reminder that nothing will ever come close to matching the pageantry and splendor of the inaugural year of Divas’ Live. Maybe it’s because she’s lost 100 pounds, but Jennifer Hudson looks disconnected (she looks like Naomi Campbell while she looks disconnected, but disconnected just the same). Martina McBride was trying too hard to ‘(Sister) Act the Part’. Florence was happy to be there, God bless her. Speaking of God blessing things, I’d enjoy Yolanda Adams if she wasn’t a dunderheaded homophobe. And I’m thoroughly certain that Christina Aguilera is pre-drinking before she leaves the house for any occasion… woof. I understand she’s sick and all, but not having Aretha physically THERE just kind of made the whole thing look like an American Idol all-Aretha-night results show medley. Again, woof.
- Ricky Martin introduced GaGa wearing full-on silver pants. He’s here, he’s queer, get used to it. (Sidebar: I remember back in ‘98 when he debuted at the Grammy’s and was THE TALK the next day… Like, that performance actually made him)… Anyway - GaGa emerged from an egg wearing latex and performed “Born This Way” - a song that many are sighting as her shark-jumping episode of Happy Days… it is a pretty rag-tag mashup of Madonna’s “Express Yourself”, TLC’s “Waterfalls”, Lauryn Hills’ “Everything is Everything” and Kylie’s “Better Than Today”, but she still performed the fuck out of it, so who cares.
- Whereas Ricky Martin’s showing at the 1998 Grammy’s made his career, I’m hoping the same will happen for Janelle Monae for the same reasons… she fucking murdered it and always does. Also of note: her suit and afro pompadour (pomfrodour?) - it’s nice to see her really committing to a look.
- Justin Bieber and Usher were full on flirting in that little intro portion. Watching him and Jaden Smith swaggering left and a right made me want to wretch… I saw a lot of people commenting on Usher’s blue suit at this point, but the whole affair bored me to a single tear, so I was probably on Grindr… on the topic of Justin Bieber: I feel bad for him… I really think he’s mistaken his fleeting position at the top of the teen icon pyramid as tangibly laudable talent, because he looked genuinely disappointed and shocked at his no-wins. If you’ll recall, the Jonas Brothers were dueting with Stevie Wonder last year, and they couldn’t even get jobs to check fucking coats at this year’s show. We’ll see where you end up next year, Justy…
- I really, REALLY wish Whitney Houston was present at this year’s ceremony if only to see her reaction to GaGa thank her for providing the inspiration behind “Born This Way”. It WOULD have unfolded thusly:
[GaGa wins]
[Whitney claps politely for three seconds, then starts up a conversation with either a manager or a cousin Dionne Warwick seated next to her]
GaGa: [Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech] And I’d like to thank Whitney Houston…
[Whitney hears her name and mid-vowell jerks her head away from manager/Cousin Dionne and smiles to camera as if to say “heyyy”. This motion unfolds in less than a split-second]
It would have been SOOOO good!
- Cee-Lo, Gwyneth Paltrow and the muppets was the most unecessary thing I’ve ever seen. Was Gwyneth’s “Glee” appearance singing the family-safe version of “Fuck You” THAT MUCH OF A ZEITGEST that it needed to be paid homage on the Grammy’s? Really??? Also - the fact that the song was referred to as “The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You” was just horseshit…#stupidfatpuritanicalamericans
- The best thing about Katy Perry’s performance was Nicole Kidman, natch.
- Esperanza Spalding has, in one fell swoop, taken the fatwa that Selena Gomez had hanging over her head by frenzied legions of Beliebers. Poor bitch. Just goes to show you that the jazz contingent voting base of the Recording Academy is a force to be reckoned with…
- I thought Mick Jagger and Barbra Streisand both rocked it. Although one of them was looking a little too much like Jennifer Aniston for my liking (maybe it’s exactly who you think)…
- Considering that in a little over the past calendar year she released two albums and put out 9 singles, I thought it was justified that Rihanna performed twice within the span of half-an-hour. Sure.
- Although I wasn’t rooting for them at ALL, good for Arcadefire. I mean, I was DYING to see Barbra and GaGa embrace, as was Barbra, considering that she thought “The Suburbs” was the name of the band, and “Arcadefire” some sort of typo. And GaGa’s hat could NOT have been more conveniently huge and obscuring, so that might have been the one time in her personal history that fashion met function.
I think that’s about it…
Also - Happy Valentine’s Day, if you’re into that.
—- Aj](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgmkzyJrJo1qbofjco1_1280.jpg)
