Grammy’s were last night, duh.

In an unfashionably late embrace of mobile technology, I live-tweeted them from m’couch. To expand/ruminate on some points from last night:

- I thought the opening Aretha tribute was a mess and a stark reminder that nothing will ever come close to matching the pageantry and splendor of the inaugural year of Divas’ Live. Maybe it’s because she’s lost 100 pounds, but Jennifer Hudson looks disconnected (she looks like Naomi Campbell while she looks disconnected, but disconnected just the same). Martina McBride was trying too hard to ‘(Sister) Act the Part’. Florence was happy to be there, God bless her. Speaking of God blessing things, I’d enjoy Yolanda Adams if she wasn’t a dunderheaded homophobe. And I’m thoroughly certain that Christina Aguilera is pre-drinking before she leaves the house for any occasion… woof. I understand she’s sick and all, but not having Aretha physically THERE just kind of made the whole thing look like an American Idol all-Aretha-night results show medley. Again, woof.

- Ricky Martin introduced GaGa wearing full-on silver pants. He’s here, he’s queer, get used to it. (Sidebar: I remember back in ‘98 when he debuted at the Grammy’s and was THE TALK the next day… Like, that performance actually made him)… Anyway - GaGa emerged from an egg wearing latex and performed “Born This Way” - a song that many are sighting as her shark-jumping episode of Happy Days… it is a pretty rag-tag mashup of Madonna’s “Express Yourself”, TLC’s “Waterfalls”, Lauryn Hills’ “Everything is Everything” and Kylie’s “Better Than Today”, but she still performed the fuck out of it, so who cares.

- Whereas Ricky Martin’s showing at the 1998 Grammy’s made his career, I’m hoping the same will happen for Janelle Monae for the same reasons… she fucking murdered it and always does. Also of note: her suit and afro pompadour (pomfrodour?) - it’s nice to see her really committing to a look.

- Justin Bieber and Usher were full on flirting in that little intro portion. Watching him and Jaden Smith swaggering left and a right made me want to wretch… I saw a lot of people commenting on Usher’s blue suit at this point, but the whole affair bored me to a single tear, so I was probably on Grindr… on the topic of Justin Bieber: I feel bad for him… I really think he’s mistaken his fleeting position at the top of the teen icon pyramid as tangibly laudable talent, because he looked genuinely disappointed and shocked at his no-wins. If you’ll recall, the Jonas Brothers were dueting with Stevie Wonder last year, and they couldn’t even get jobs to check fucking coats at this year’s show. We’ll see where you end up next year, Justy…

- I really, REALLY wish Whitney Houston was present at this year’s ceremony if only to see her reaction to GaGa thank her for providing the inspiration behind “Born This Way”. It WOULD have unfolded thusly:

[GaGa wins]

[Whitney claps politely for three seconds, then starts up a conversation with either a manager or a cousin Dionne Warwick seated next to her]

GaGa: [Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech] And I’d like to thank Whitney Houston…

[Whitney hears her name and mid-vowell jerks her head away from manager/Cousin Dionne and smiles to camera as if to say “heyyy”. This motion unfolds in less than a split-second]

It would have been SOOOO good!

- Cee-Lo, Gwyneth Paltrow and the muppets was the most unecessary thing I’ve ever seen. Was Gwyneth’s “Glee” appearance singing the family-safe version of “Fuck You” THAT MUCH OF A ZEITGEST that it needed to be paid homage on the Grammy’s? Really??? Also - the fact that the song was referred to as “The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You” was just horseshit…#stupidfatpuritanicalamericans

- The best thing about Katy Perry’s performance was Nicole Kidman, natch.

- Esperanza Spalding has, in one fell swoop, taken the fatwa that Selena Gomez had hanging over her head by frenzied legions of Beliebers. Poor bitch. Just goes to show you that the jazz contingent voting base of the Recording Academy is a force to be reckoned with…

- I thought Mick Jagger and Barbra Streisand both rocked it. Although one of them was looking a little too much like Jennifer Aniston for my liking (maybe it’s exactly who you think)…

- Considering that in a little over the past calendar year she released two albums and put out 9 singles, I thought it was justified that Rihanna performed twice within the span of half-an-hour. Sure.

- Although I wasn’t rooting for them at ALL, good for Arcadefire. I mean, I was DYING to see Barbra and GaGa embrace, as was Barbra, considering that she thought “The Suburbs” was the name of the band, and “Arcadefire” some sort of typo. And GaGa’s hat could NOT have been more conveniently huge and obscuring, so that might have been the one time in her personal history that fashion met function.

I think that’s about it…

Also - Happy Valentine’s Day, if you’re into that.

—- Aj