*Credit to Heidi Brander, as most things are.

So oh brother, I have to go to Oakville tonight to do one of these wretched co-feature shows to an audience of 20 people. People from Oakville, who, I’m fairly certain range from indifferent to unfavorably about the act of laughing. I actually believe that.

A fistfull of laughing-impaired people are bad enough for 2 minutes, let alone 40 minutes. And it’s almost de rigeur at this point that it’ll be the case. Every one of these one-nighters have gone the exact same way: we get there at the half-hour call time, and there are two mousy girls sitting with each other feasting on the pub-fare pigswill of their liking, and it looks like “YES! The show is canceled! Give me my money and see you never, fuckers!”

Then, at 10-to, another batch of people trundle in… “Still good… still good… we need 15 or else no show!”… THEN, some bizarre threesome of people with mullets scuttle in - often it’s two guys and a girl, rarer two girls and a guy - whom I’ll always look at from the back of the room before I go on, look at the other comic I’m with, and mime shooting myself in the head, but then when I’m on stage, talk to, and they’re always super nice and good-humoured… I’ll never stop judging them, though… anyway, so now it’ll be 7:59 and there are 13 people there and it’s like “SHIT! Two more people and we have to do the show!”… and we hold the doors for 5 minutes, and at that stroke of 8:05, a party of 6 come in and we are unambiguously over 15 paying audience members and fuck-me-in-the-face, we have to do a show…

And because I don’t drive, I always go on first and effectively host for 40 minutes.

Tonight, because it’s still early in the year, I’ll absolutely ask various people what their New Years’ resolutions are… and invariably, some douche-whore will say “to see funnier comics”… and inevitably, I’ll respond by saying “that’s funny, because one of my New Year’s resolutions is to stop playing shows for mouth-breathing goons, so I guess neither of our 2011’s are going too swimmingly right now, huh fuckface?” Then I’ll swallow the vommit in my mouth and tell a solid 20 minutes worth of dick jokes and get the fuck offstage…

I’ll probably wile away the time while the other dude is on by going on Grindr… The Yuk Yuk’s is right up the road from Sheridan College, which nests countless bored Musical Theatre dudes, and should be a welcome change of scenery from the same fucking faces I keep seeing from my Riverdale location, who, I am sorry to say, are faaaaar from boner-inducing…

Anyway - tonight’s poised by at least 80% THE WORST… may the power of Elayne Boosler be with me…

—- Aj

PS - I’m extraordinarily disappointed, because upon closer inspection of this photo, La Boosler is indeed wearing a top. I thought she was topless. On the plus side, the box that’s obscuring her bosom says “Toronto” on it, and that’s where I live.